lockdown dream # 1
I hear a noise outside, on the landing. When I open the door she’s there, looking meek but I don’t trust her. She seems to me like a Jehovah’s Witness, trying to look friendly in order to get access to my apartment. And like a Jehovah’s Witness, she’s slipped into my flat before i can reaise it, like a thief. I should never have opened the door. What should I do? I know she’s one of these people that when they come in, they never leave and I have this awful premonition that I’m now doomed. I’ll have to devise a trick to get rid of her: a lie, a false alarm, some ruse. I follow her to where she’s gone. She’s like a puddle of oil, slithering under the doors. She’s in the bathroom and the lights are all on: there are three long strips. She’s there and her face is pleading. She looks like everything I’ve ever tried to reject, everything I haven’t wanted, weakness but also dissimulation, something fake, I don’t believe her, I don’t trust her, she’s making it up, she’s acting. She’s not even acting very well, and she’s doing it because she wants something from me. I saw people like her before, when I was really young, I was shocked, because in I and Z they would line the streets sometimes and you didn’t know who was in need and who was acting, and the confusion made me feel helpless, because I wanted to help but I couldn’t help so many people. So I was looking for the genuine ones and I thought I’d recognse something in their faces, in their expressions. But what kind of skill did I need to make such a decision, such discernment about who was worthy?She’s waiting for me behind the door in the bathroom. I can sense I’m afraid so I cover it up, I enter displaying that I’m fed up with this game, she must leave, I can’t do anything for her. She is half imploring me, telling me she loves me, and that she wants me, that I can change her life. I feel sick, but I don’t show it. I just want her to leave. My head is bowed, I’m feigning dispassion and a mature calm. Inside I am disturbed by what she’s saying, I feel there’s something murky and dangerous, something I can’t bring myself to feel. She has to leave. Now she knows I’m losing patience, she begins to transform, like a witch. My stomach is churning I want to vomit. She has turned into a floating ball of thick and greasy light. She’s hovering at the height of the door handle. The ball is floating next to me, as if it is offering itself to my touch. This is the moment to push her out I grab it, it slides out my grasp, I swat it with a towel, like I would a fly. I open the front door with my left hand and throw her out and quickly slam the door. And I listen. It’s horrifying, I’m getting cold with fear. I can’t see her but I know she has turned back into that strange desperate woman who pretends she needs me. She’s half disintegrated now, emerging from a pool of fluid like a deformed newborn. I know i’m doomed because she is already inside my flat and I haven’t even opened the door.